Father of the bride speech
The brides father should be called upon by the toastmaster (or the best man) to propose a toast of ‘health and happiness to the bride and bridegroom’. Before doing so he would normally welcome the grooms parents, relatives of both families any other guests and welcome the groom to his family and say a few words about his daughter.
The bridegroom replies on behalf of himself and his bride, taking the opportunity to thank his parents. He will also take this opportunity on behalf of his wife and himself to thank all those present for their gifts. Any close members of the family who could not attend the wedding because of illness, should be wished for a speedy recovery.
To conclude, the bridegroom will propose the toast of the bridesmaids, and thank them for a job well done, he may also present them with a small gift as a token of their appreciation.
Best man speech
It is the best man’s duty to respond to this toast on behalf of the bridesmaids, his speech should be light hearted and fun. It should be the high spot of the reception and it is very often his ability to make this particular speech, with humour and interest, that is the deciding chapter on the selection of the best man (no pressure then!).
It is now quite common for the bride to say a few words on her wedding day, especially if someone close to her could not be present, or if she would like to express her feelings about her entourage, the day or her new husband.
I like the story of the woman who had an artist paint a portrait of her covered with jewels. Her explanation: “If I die and my husband remarries, I want his next wife to go crazy looking for the jewels.”
She left him on the sofa when the phone rang, and was back in a few seconds. “Who was it?” he asked. “My husband,” she replied. “I better get going,” he said. “Where was he?” “Relax. He’ll be late, he’s playing poker with you.”
Stewardess: I’m sorry, Mr. Smith, but we left your wife behind in London.
Mr. Smith: Thank goodness! I thought I was going deaf!
A newlywed couple were spending their honeymoon in a remote log cabin resort way up the mountains of Scotland. They had registered on Saturday and they had not been seen for 5 days. An elderly couple ran the resort, and they were getting concerned about the welfare of these newlyweds. The old man decided to go and see if they were all right. He knocked on the door of the cabin and a weak voice from inside answered. The old man asked if they were OK.
“Yes, we’re fine. We’re living on the fruits of love”.
The old man replied, “I thought so … would you mind not throwing the peelings out the window … they’re choking my ducks!”
Marriage is not a word. It is a sentence (a life sentence!).
Marriage is an institution in which a man loses his Bachelor’s Degree and the woman gets her Masters.
Marriage is a thing which puts a ring on a woman’s finger and two under the man’s eyes.
Marriage requires a man to prepare 4 types of “RINGS” :
– The Engagement Ring
– The Wedding Ring
– The Suffer-Ring
– The Endue-Ring
Married life is full of excitement and frustration :
– In the first year of marriage, the man speaks and the woman listens.
– In the second year, the woman speaks and the man listens.
– In the third year, they BOTH speak and the NEIGHBOURS listen.
Getting married is very much like going to the restaurant with friends. You order what you want, and when you see what the other fellow has, you wish you had ordered that.
It’s true that all men are born free and equal – but some of them get MARRIED!
There was this man who muttered a few words in the church and found himself married. A year later he muttered something in his sleep and found himself divorced.
Son: Is it true? Dad, I heard that in ancient China, a man doesn’t know his wife until he marries. Father: That happens everywhere, son, EVERYWHERE!
There was a man who said, “I never knew what happiness was until I got married…. and then it was too late!”
Love is one long sweet dream, and marriage is the alarm clock.
When a newly married man looks happy, we know why. But when a ten-year married man looks happy, we wonder why.
There was this lover who said that he would go through hell for her. They got married, and now he is going through HELL.
They say that when a man holds a woman’s hand before marriage, it is love; after marriage it is self-defence.
At the cocktail party, one woman said to another, “Aren’t you wearing your wedding ring on the wrong finger?” The other replied, “Yes I am, I married the wrong man.”
Man is incomplete until he is married. Then he is really finished.
A little boy asked his father, “Daddy, how much does it cost to get married?” And the father replied, “I don’t know, son, I’m still paying for it.”
A happy marriage is a matter of give and take; the husband gives and the wife takes.
After a quarrel, a wife said to her husband, “You know, I was a fool when I married you.” And the husband replied, “Yes, dear, but I was in love and didn’t notice it.”
It doesn’t matter how often a married man changes his job, he still ends up with the same boss.
A man inserted an ‘ad’ in the classifieds: “Wife wanted”. Next day he received a hundred letters. They all said the same thing: “You can have mine.”
When a man opens the door of his car for his wife, you can be sure of one thing: either the car is new or the wife.
A perfect wife is one who helps the husband with the dishes.
A woman was telling her friend , “It is I who made my husband a millionaire.” “And what was he before you married him.” Asked the friend. The woman replied, ” A multi-millionaire”.
“A young girl boards Flight BA3345 from Heathrow to New York and finds a seat in 1st class. As the Stewardesses check all the passengers, one Stewardess asks the young girl for her ticket. The young girl hand’s over her ticket, to which the Stewardess replied: “I’m sorry, but your are sat in the wrong seat” in a helpful manner.
“I’m young, blonde and beautiful, and I’m going to New York to be a Supermodel and marry a millionaire!” replied the young girl. The Stewardess was surprised at the young girl’s answer, so she decided to call the Senior Steward. The Senior Steward decided that nobody was getting a free upgrade to 1st, so she also informed the young girl that she had sat in the wrong seat and was to sit in economy at the rear. “I’m young, blonde and beautiful, and I’m going to New York to be a Supermodel and marry a millionaire!” replied the young girl in a firmer tone.
The Senior Steward thought that this might be a job for the Co-pilot, so she asked the Co-pilot to try and resolve this matter. So the Co-pilot decided to have a go to see if he could move the young girl. “Excuse me Miss, but your sat in the wrong seat” said the Co-pilot. “I’m young, blonde and beautiful, and I’m going to New York to be a Supermodel and marry a millionaire!” replied the young girl. “I’m sorry Miss, but if you don’t move to your proper seat, I’ll have to ask you to leave the aircraft” replied the Co-pilot. “I’m young, blonde and beautiful, and I’m going to New York to be a Supermodel and marry a millionaire!” replied the young girl. Being new to this game, the Co-pilot decided to consult the Captain.
“Let me sort her out” said the Captain. The Captain then approached the young girl and whispered in her ear.As the Captain returned to the Flight-deck, the young girl got out of the seat and proceeded down the aircraft towards her proper seat. “Cor, what did you say to her?” asked the Co-pilot. To which the Captain replied: “I told her 1st class wasn’t going to New York”.
100 reasons why it’s good to be a bloke …
1. Phone conversations are over in 30 seconds flat.
2. Movie nudity is virtually always female.
3. You know stuff about tanks.
4. A week’s holiday requires only one suitcase.
5. Match of the Day.
6. You don’t have to monitor your friends’ sex lives.
7. Queues for the toilet are 90% shorter.
8. You can open all your own jars.
9. Old friends don’t give you crap if you’ve lost or gained weight.
10. Dry cleaners and haircutter’s don’t rob you blind.
11. When channel surfing, you don’t have to stall on every shot of someone crying.
12. Your arse is never a factor in a job interview.
13. All your orgasms are real.
14. A beer gut does not make you invisible to the opposite sex.
15. Guys in hockey masks don’t attack you.
16. You don’t have to lug a bag of useless stuff around everywhere you go.
17. People expect you to masturbate.
18. You can go to the bathroom without a support group.
19. Your last name stays put.
20. You can leave a hotel bed unmade.
21. When your work is criticized, you don’t have to panic that everyone secretly hates you.
22. You can kill your own food.
23. The garage is all yours.
24. You get extra credit for the slightest act of thoughtfulness.
25. You can fart with impunity.
26. Nobody secretly wonders if you swallow.
27. You never have to clean the toilet. Or oven.
28. You can be showered and ready in 10 minutes.
29. Sex means never worrying about your reputation.
30. Wedding plans take care of themselves.
31. If someone forgets to invite you to something, he or she can still be your friend.
32. Your underwear is L5 for a three pack.
33. You understand why Beavis and Butthead is funny.
34. None of your co-workers have the power to make you cry.
35. You don’t have to shave below your neck.
36. You don’t have to curl up next to a hairy arse every night.
37. If you’re 34 and single nobody gives a shit.
38. You can write your name in the snow.
39. You don’t have to bother having a proper conversation with your mates down the pub.
40. Everything on your face stays its original colour.
41. Chocolate is just another snack.
42. You can understand the offside rule in football.
43. You can quietly enjoy a car ride from the passenger seat.
44. Flowers fix everything.
45. You never have to worry about other people’s feelings.
46. You get to think about sex 90% of your waking hours.
47. You can wear a white shirt in the rain.
48. Three pair of shoes are more than enough for most of your life.
49. You can boast about the number of people you’ve slept with.
50. You can say anything and not worry about what people think.
51. Foreplay is optional.
52. Michael Bolton doesn’t live in your universe.
53. Nobody stops telling a good dirty joke when you walk into the room.
54. You can whip your shirt off on a hot day.
55. You don’t have to clean your flat if the metre reader is coming by.
56. You never feel compelled to stop a pal from getting laid.
57. Car mechanics tell you the truth.
58. You don’t give a toss if no one notices your new haircut.
59. You can watch a game in silence with your mate for hours without even thinking “He must be mad at me”
60. The world is your urinal.
61. You never misconstrue innocuous statements to mean your lover is about to leave you.
62. You can play and enjoy computer games other than Tetris.
63. Hot wax never comes near your pubic area.
64. One mood, all the time.
65. You can admire Tim Roth without starving yourself to look like him.
66. You can remember the punchlines to jokes.
67. You know at least 20 ways to open a beer bottle.
68. You can sit with your knees apart no matter what you are wearing.
69. Same work….more pay.
70. Gray hair and wrinkles add character.
71. You don’t have to leave the room to make an emergency crotch adjustment.
72. Wedding Dress 1000; Morning suit hire 50.
73. You don’t care if someone is talking about you behind your back.
74. With 400 million sperm per shot, you could double the Earth’s population in 15 tries, at least in theory.
75. You don’t mooch off others’ desserts.
76. If you retain water, it’s in a canteen.
77. The remote is yours and yours alone.
78. People never glance at your chest when you’re talking to them.
79. You can sit in a pub on your own without plonkers trying to cop off with you.
80. You can drop by to see a friend without bringing a little gift.
81. Stag nights are much more fun than Hen nights.
82. You have a normal and healthy relationship with your mother.
83. You can buy condoms without the shopkeeper imagining you naked.
84. You needn’t pretend you’re “freshening up” to go to the bathroom.
85. If you don’t call your buddy when you say you will, he won’t tell your friends you’ve changed.
86. Someday you’ll be a dirty old man.
87. You can rationalize any behavior with the handy phrase “Fuck it!”
88. If an other bloke shows up at the party in the same outfit, you might become lifelong buddies.
89. You can teach your friend’s children swear words.
90. The occasional well-rendered belch is practically expected.
91. You never have to miss a sexual opportunity because you’re not inthe mood.
92. You think the idea of punting a small dog is funny.
93. If something mechanical didn’t work, you can bash it with a hammer and throw it across the room.
94. New shoes don’t cut, blister, or mangle your feet.
95. Porn movies are designed with your mind in mind.
96. You don’t have to remember everyone’s birthdays and anniversaries.
97. Not liking a person does not preclude having great sex with them.
98. Your pals can be trusted never to trap you with: “So… notice anything different?”
100. You can’t get pregnant.
40 Rules Men Wished Women Knew
1. If you think you might be fat, you are. Don’t ask us. Just get your fat arse in a gym.
2. Learn to work the toilet seat: if it’s up put the f*cker down.
3. Don’t cut your hair. Ever. It causes arguments when we comment on it.
4. Birthdays, Valentines, and Anniversaries are not quests to see if we can find the perfect present…….again!
5. If you ask a question you don’t want an answer to, expect an answer you don’t want to hear.
6. Sometimes, we’re not thinking about you. Live with it.
7. Anyone can buy condoms.
8. Get rid of your cat. And no, it’s not different, it’s just like every other cat.
9. Dogs are better than ANY cats.
10. Sunday = Football/Rugby/Any other sport. It’s like the full moon or the changing of the tides. Let it be.
11. Shopping is not a sport.
12. Anything you wear is fine. Really.
13. You have enough clothes.
14. You have too many shoes.
15. Crying is blackmail. Use it if you must, but don’t expect us to like it.
16. Your brother is an idiot, your ex-boyfriend is a twat and your Dad probably is too.
17. Ask for what you want. Subtle hints don’t work.
18. No, we don’t know what day it is. We never will. Mark anniversaries on a calendar.
19. Yes, pissing standing up is more difficult than pissing from point blank range. We’re bound to miss sometimes.
20. Most blokes own two to three pairs of shoes, what makes you think we’d be any good at choosing which pair, out of thirty, that would look good with your dress?
21. Yes, No and Mmm are perfectly acceptable answers.
22. A headache that lasts for 17 months is a problem. See a doctor. Now.
23. Your Mum doesn’t have to be our best friend.
24. Foreign films are best left to foreigners.
25. Check your oil. It is an essential part of the car.
26. The relationship is never going to be like it was the first two months we were going out.
27. Don’t fake it. We’d rather be ineffective than deceived.
28. Anything we said 6 or 8 months ago is inadmissible in an argument. All comments become null and void after 7 days.
29. Telling us that the models in the men’s magazines are airbrushed makes you look jealous and petty and it’s certainly not going to deter us from reading the magazines.
30. The male models with the great bodies you see in magazines are all gay. Face it.
31. If something we said can be interpreted two ways, and one of the ways makes you sad and angry, we meant the other one.
32. Let us ogle. If we don’t look at other women, how can we know how pretty you are?
33. Whenever possible, please say whatever you have to say during commercials.
34. Consider Sport a mini-vacation from you. We need it, just like you do.
35. Women wearing Wonderbras, low-cut blouses, tight tops, no jackets, chest level logo’d t-shirts etc. etc. lose their right to complain about having their boobs stared at.
36. When we are in bed and look tired this means that we are tired and does not mean that we want to discuss the relationship.
37. If you want some dessert after a meal – order some. You don’t have to finish it. You can just taste it if you like but don’t say “No, I couldn’t/shouldn’t/don’t want any” and then eat half of mine.
38. Dieting doesn’t work without exercise.
39. If you’re on a diet it doesn’t mean my meals should be rabbit-food nouvelle-cuisine style. A man’s four essential food groups are: white meat, red meat, cold beer and more cold beer. Please ensure all meals contain a good balance of the above in good quantities – everything else falls under the category ‘garnish’.
40. Do not question our sense of direction.
Why it’s better to be a woman …
We can get rid of leg hair without pretending that we do a lot of cycling/swimming, or any other sport that would require aerodynamic legs.
We absently hum tunes from musicals without anyone being suspect of our sexuality.
When we buy a vibrator it is glamorous. When men buy a blow up doll it’s sad.
We can wear platforms – which is why there is no such thing as a ‘short woman’s complex’
We don’t have to get our strength up between sessions, …and it’s much easier for us to get laid in the first place.
We can get off with teenagers without being called dirty old perverts.
We never ejaculate prematurely.
We get to flirt with systems support men who always return our calls, and are nice to us when we blow up our computers.
Our boyfriend’s clothes make us look elfin and gorgeous – they look like complete dicks in ours.
We can be groupies. Male groupies are stalkers.
It’s cool to be a daddy’s girl. It’s sad to be a mommy’s boy.
We can cry and get off speeding fines.
The thrill of surprising people by being good at darts……and pool…..and football.
We live longer, so we can be cantankerous old biddies wearing inappropriate clothes and shouting at strangers….. men die earlier so we get to cash in on the life insurance.
We know that games are fun, but don’t believe there’s a direct correlation between the size of our scores and the size of our genitals.
Taxis stop for us.
We get drunk quicker and cheaper.
We’ve never fancied a cartoon character or the central figure in a computer game.
It does not enhance our social standing to understand the inner workings of a ‘ruck’ (or any other rugby thing). But we look INCREDIBLY cool if we do.
We never recognise ourselves in aspects of Mr Bean. Ever.
And finally… We don’t look like a frog in a blender when dancing.
Women are complex creatures
If you kiss her, you are not a gentleman
If you don’t, you are not a man
If you praise her, she thinks you are lying
If you don’t, you are good for nothing
If you agree to all her likes, you are a wimp
If you don’t, you are not understanding
If you visit her often, she thinks it is boring
If you don’t, she accuses you of double-crossing
If you are well dressed, she says you are a playboy
If you don’t, you are a dull boy
If you are jealous, she says it’s bad
If you don’t, she thinks you do not love her
If you attempt a romance, she says you didn’t respect her
If you don’t, she thinks you do not like her
If you are a minute late, she complains it’s hard to wait
If she is late, she says that’s a girl’s way
If you visit another man, you’re not putting in “quality time”
If she is visited by another woman, “oh it’s natural, we are girls”
If you kiss her once in a while, she professes you are cold
If you kiss her often, she yells that you are taking advantage
If you fail to help her in crossing the street, you lack ethics
If you do, she thinks it’s just one of men’s tactics for seduction
If you stare at another woman, she accuses you of flirting
If she is stared by other men, she says that they are just admiring
If you talk, she wants you to listen
If you listen, she wants you to talk
So simple, yet so complex
So weak, yet so powerful
So confusing, yet so desirable
So damning, yet so wonderful…
Quotes from women about men …
Any woman can fool a man if she wants to and if he’s in love with her.
Can you imagine a world without men? No crime and lots of happy, fat women.
I require only three things of a man. He must be handsome, ruthless and stupid.
It’s not the men in my life that count, its the life in my men.
Marrying a man is like buying something you’ve been admiring for a long time in a shop window. You may love it when you get home, but it doesn’t always go with everything else in the house.
I never married because I have three pets at home that answer the same purpose as a husband. I have a dog that growls every morning, a parrot that swears all afternoon and a cat that comes home late at night.
Men make love more intensely at 20, but make love better, however, at 30
Catherine II of Russia
No nice men are good at getting taxis
I like to wake up each morning felling a new man.
Give a man a free hand and he’ll run it all over you.
Behind every great man there is a surprised woman.
The trouble with some woman is that they get all excited about nothing, and then marry him
A husband is what is left of the lover after the nerve is extracted
Before marriage a man will lay awake all night thinking about something you said; after marriage he’ll fall asleep before you have finished saying it.
An archaeologist is the best husband a woman can have. The older she gets, the more interested he is in her.